A Parody I Call My Life
by Ju Ju Bee1000
Summary: I live in a town that is so sleepy I’m getting drowsy just talking about it. My annoying friend Rachelle talks WAY too much, my way-too-perky friend Annette is never available during the week, and my bipolar sister Jennifer is starting to get on my nerve
1. Pretty much no story line so far

A Parody of My Life 

By Crispy Pickle

Summary: I live in a town that is so sleepy I'm getting drowsy just talking about it. My annoying friend Rachelle talks WAY too much, my way-too-perky friend Annette is never available during the week, and my bipolar sister Jennifer is starting to get on my nerves.

Don't you ever wish you had a parody about you life? I do. I got kind of tired of the ridiculousness of my life so I wrote a parody. It's not totally centered on Harry Potter. It does not take place in his world. It just has some funny tidbits with him and his sidekicks. Oh, and all so, I started this is the middle of the Christmas holidays, mostly because I was BORED OUT OF MY FREAKIN MIND. So that is when it starts: The holiday season.

Introduction: This is a VERY exaggerated account of my friends (at least some of them) and some family, too. Secondly: I would just like to thank my friends for being so cool and bizarre. I would also like to apologize to "Nikki" especially, for not putting you in this. But you see I could not think of any faults I could run with. (loving smile) :"Jennifer" mutters, "Suck-up,": To "Annette", "Rachelle", and "Jennifer": I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. Plus a sign of maturity is being able to laugh at your self. So if you don't think this is funny, HA HA HA! YOU'RE NOT MATURE! (sticks out tongue)

Chapter 1 

"Pretty much no story line so far."

I knocked on my friend Annette's frozen door, hoping her outrageous dad would not answer the door and tease me silly. I heard the inner door to her house open and, seconds later, the outer one did. Today Annette was decked out in bright magenta spandex from head to toe. She had the decency to wear a patterned mini skirt and belly shirt over it, but even though they were suppressed by the tight spandex, her stomach and humongous behind flopped out. Rather like abused JELLO. The same bright magenta was on her lips, and eye shadow, and blush. She kind of looked like a clown. Her mouse brown hair was pulled back into a huge magenta scunchie. She twirled around. "Well? What do you think?" she asked me. "What do you think? Huh? Is it good? Bad? In between? Too much? Too little?"

I looked at her. "You look fabulous, darling." I lied. I am always lying to everyone. All the time. In fact, I am lying to you right now.

"Thanks," she said, chewing her eighteen sticks of gum loudly.

"Can you walk Gussie with me?" I asked. I am always asking that, too. You'd think she'd get a clue and I wouldn't have to ask all the time.

"I can't." she said sadly, "My family has adopted Katie and I have to watch her night and day. Today we played dress-up and House. I was the mommy and Katie was the little daughter. My husband was out going to war in Germany and her brother was married with twelve children."

"That's nice…" I lied again.

"Wow, did you do something with your hair?" she queried.

"Uhhh…no…"

"Oh, well it looks different. Did you style it…maybe curl it?"

"Ah, no…although I think I did brush it this morning."

"WOW, well it looks really good," she told me. All I said was "Mmmm," because I didn't really believe her. I thought my hair looked kind of frizzy and triangular. "Well, call me!" she commanded, just like she ALWAYS does.

"I will!" I lied yet again. _It's off to Rachelle's I go,_ I thought, kind of mad that Annette was always watching Katie. Kind of very mad. I kicked the corner of a house. It flew into the air and landed on some old lady. I sighed. Why did everything always have to happen to me? A tug from Gussie's leash brought me back to my senses. Gussie pulled me so hard I fell on my stomach. She dragged me from telephone pole to telephone pole, sniffing everything in sight. Not noticing me, Jerry Lucas, my crush, walked straight over me while Gussie was sniffing at his belly button. WHY did everything happen to me?

I knocked on my friend Rachelle's frozen door, hoping she was home. The door opened. Rachelle stood there. Gussie jumped up on her and sniffed away. "Oh, hi Gussie," Rachelle laughed. She put on her shoes. "I'm walking Gussie with Cara!" she called into her house. Someone inside somewhere said something. "I did it already!" she replied to whoever it was about whatever it was. That same somebody said something else. "Be my guest! It's clean!" Rachelle put on her coat and started to go out the door.

I was wearing a down parka, a scarf, a neck-warmer, snow pants, boots, mittens, two pairs of socks, and a hat. "You sure you don't want gloves or anything?" I inquired.

She slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah! I knew I was missing something!" She put on a pair of mittens.

"Do you want a hat?"

"Okay…" she reached inside and grabbed one, pulling it onto her head.

"Is that coat going to be warm enough?" I wanted to know, just to be safe. She took an overcoat from one of the coat hooks and put it on, then started out the door. "Are your legs going to get cold without snow pants?" Rachelle put on a pair of snow pants. "Do you want a scarf? For your face?" She wrapped one around her neck.

I could tell she was getting sick of this. "Can we go now?"

I looked at her up and down. "Uhhh…yeah…I think it's safe now."

We went to Nikki's house, but she had to watch her younger siblings and couldn't go with us. We gathered icicles to throw for Gussie and took her to the ice-skating rink. There we played fetch and had a jolly good time until skaters came and our fun was ruined. We left the rink with a present from Gussie (fresh urine) and went to take her home. "Don't you hate it when Annette ALWAYS joins in with you whenever you start singing?" Rachelle demanded.

"I guess…"

"One time, when she was at my house, radio played this song I liked, and I was singing along to it, and Annette joined in, even though she hardly knew the words. And she said, 'People see you everyday/neva going to find a way/ to escape those prying eyes/of humanity' instead of 'People see you everyday/never gonna find a way/to escape those prying eyes/of humanity'! It threw off the whole song's melody! She said 'neva going to' instead of 'never gonna'. Ohmigaw! That's one too many syllables." She looked at me, expecting me to be outraged.

"Oh my gosh!" I cried. My life is one big lie.

"AND, we were doing this kind of talent show thingy, and she played the piano while singing, and you could, like, hardly hear the piano."

"'Talent show thingy'?" I questioned, eyebrows raised.

"Yes," Rachelle continued, "And she gave me a five! Can you believe it? A FIVE!"

"What was your…umm…'act'?"

"I played 'Moonlight Serenade' on the piano."

"Wowwwww…" I said, obviously supposed to be impressed. "And she only gave you a FIVE? A measly FIVE!" I am truly going to hell.

"YES." She needs a hobby.

"What a bitch."

"Yeah…AND, another time…" I tried to drown out the high-pitched squeak she called a voice, but it was not an easy task. Finally I gave up and listened. "And she ate it in, like, two seconds." She finished, looking at me, waiting in rapture for me to say something witty and clever.

"The pig." I said.

Rachelle laughed loudly. And laughed. And…laughed. Ironically, she snorted quite a lot. About eight minutes later, she flicked a tear out of her eye and commented, "You're funny."

"I wish I had a nickel every time someone said that to me. Then I would have…" I pretended to count on my fingers. "…some nickels." I concluded, making a joke. She laughed until we reached Gussie's house on the other end of town. Then she started talking about Annette again.

"She thinks her boobs are soooo big." She said, even though I knew this.

"I know!" I exclaimed.

"One time, she made me check the tag on her bra so she could prove to me that she's a B-cup, but the tag said '36A'. And when I told her, she was like, 'Really?' all, like, shocked, and stuff, and she, like, totally snatched it away to see for herself. Like, she didn't believe me, or something. AND, when she saw it, she was like, 'Oh, this is one of my OLD bras, that doesn't fit me anymore.' But it was soooo obviously too big."

"What an egotistic prat."

"What does 'egotistic' mean?"

"Uhhh…it means self-centered, egotistical, self-absorbed and arrogant."

"Oh! Ha heh ha hahaha ha ha hee hee ha ha hahahaha! You're funny!"

"Thank you, thank you," I said, bowing. What can I say? I like attention. I pretended to wipe a tear from my eye. "You like me! You really really like me!" I feigned bursting into tears. She, if it was possible, guffawed even more. I sobbed loudly. "I'm so happy!" I cried.

Finally, we reached my house. "Do you want to come in?" I asked. WHY DO I BETRAY MY FEELINGS SO?

"No, that's alright," she said, just like she always does.

"Okay," I said, just like I always do.

When I walked in, I saw my sister Jennifer lying on the couch, crocheting. She is always crocheting. Even in her sleep, as she was now, snoring happily. I cleared my throat loudly and said, "I'M BACK."

She snorted and rolled over, still working her crochet hook. I cleared my throat again, louder this time. She snorted again and an eye opened. "Wha?"

"I'm back." I said again. Why do I always have to do everything twice with her?

She shut her eye. "I see that." She told me, though I do not see how she could 'see that' with her eyes closed. "How did it go?"

I launched into the story of my UNBEARABLE walk. "It was HORRIBLE. Annette told me that her family had adopted Katie, and now she can't hang out with us because she has to watch her night and day."

"Probably just saying that for attention." Jennifer told me.

"I guess you're right." I replied sadly. Why did Annette always want attention? Couldn't she share the spotlight once in a while? "So," I continued her story, "I had to finish my walk with RACHELLE, because Nikki was busy watching Henry and Nina. And she was going ON and ON about how _horrible_ Annette was, AND she was being really really ANNOYING." What can I say, I like attention. "She laughed _so_ hard at stuff that wasn't even funny. And she was whining and whining and whining ALL the time." I whined.

"Awww…" Jennifer is so sympathetic. She opened her eyes to look at my in a sisterly it'll-all-be-okay way, but instead she looked at my feet. "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY SCARF YOU INGRATE!" she SCREAMED.

"Sorry," I apologized quickly.

"GET OFF OF IT!"

I stepped backwards and crashed into Jerry. "What are you doing in my house?" I demanded.

"Uhhh…" He looked puzzled. "I was at the Rec Center a minute ago…"

"Oh dear," I shook my head. "I must've teleported you here because I was just wishing you'd notice me. Sorry…you'll be back were you belong in a second." I crossed my arms and blinked, hard, like Jeanie the Genie from that old television show _I Dream of Jeanie_. Instead of teleporting him back to the Rec Center, all him clothes disappeared. I snapped back to reality. I had bumped into Neddy. "D'oh!" I cried.

"What? Huh? What?" Neddy said, as stupid as ever.

"I just bumped into you, Shit-head," I stated. "That's all."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Neddy winked at me.

"EW!" I pushed him away from me. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Ummmmmmmmm…I forgot." Neddy said stupidly.

I threw up my hands in surrender. "You are HOPELESS." I told him.

Jennifer laughed. "Hopelessly stupid!"

Neddy burst into tears. "Oh, boo-hoo!" he blubbered thickly. "I'm running away and I'm never coming back, you hear me! NEVER!"

It was my turn to say "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

"I kid you not!"

"Well, you're going back to Edgecombe in a couple of days, so you'll miss the plane and you'll be stuck here forever. No dances every Saturday."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Neddy fell to his knees.

"YES." Jennifer said, delighted by his misery.

"FINE, I won't run away, but I want you to know that you have upset me very much."

"And we should care…why?"

"Um…?"

I grabbed Jennifer's hand. "Good-bye." I said to Neddy, dragging Jennifer to her feet.

"Bye-bye." Jennifer waved at him, grinning like a fool. I rolled my eyes at the ceiling and dragged her upstairs. "I wanted to hang out with Neddy." She pouted.

"Don't you want some yum-yums?" I said, holding up some candy.

"No." she said, crossing her arms and scowling at the floor.

"More for me!" I began to eat the yum-yums—I mean candy.

"Noooooooo!" Jennifer squealed, snatching at the sweets.

I scolded her, "None for bad girls."

"I'm a good girl! I'm a good girl!" she shrieked. Finally I gave in when she promised to be a good girl. She started to crochet again, and fell asleep. I went on my computer and played Pong for a while, got bored, and commenced playing with my hair in the mirror.

"Cara baby, you are one hot momma." I told my reflection. "Yes I am." I replied to myself, strutting my stuff, though there wasn't much to strut. I blew a kiss at the mirror. I spanked myself. I winked at my reflection. I kissed the mirror, leaving a good deal of spit on the glass. "I am so hot I'm surprised I don't come with air-conditioning!"

"Me too," said Neddy.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I shouted in alarm.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he shouted in alarm back.

Wanting to get the last word, I shouted again, "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" which really did not seem necessary.

"Gawd, how long have you been there?"

"I followed you upstairs."

"Don't you have a stupid convention to go to?"

"They won't let me go to them anymore. They say I'm a 'hazard'."

"…"

"Wanna dance?"

"I don't want to dance with you! EW!"

"FINE." He stomped downstairs. I grinned and went back to the mirror.

**Okay next chapter includes a clown, break-dancing kitty, Bob the Builder, Jerry naked, the murder of Neddy, the Rat who claims To Be a Freakin' Monkey, and ill-fitting ice skates.**


	2. My twisted imagination does its work

**Chapter 2**

"My twisted imagination does its work"

**Quick Disclaimer: I don't own HP. I disclaim Bob the freakin' Builder. I don't own freakin' Dora the freakin' freak with her freaky side kick, The Rat Who Claims To Be A freakin' Monkey. Thanks!**

"Hello Harry." I greeted him calmly. "Am I insane?"

"No, Cara, you are not insane." replied Harry Potter.

"Really?" I asked, shocked. "Are you sure?"

"Not especially," he shrugged. "You need to wake up now."

"Aw, but I was having such fun with Bob."

"Bob?"

"Bob the Builder? You know him."

"Kind of…" he looked undecided on the matter.

"He and his foster kid Dora were helping Barney teach the kids how to tie their shoes."

He muttered, "I don't think I want to know…"

"Okay, I'll wake up, but I won't like it."

I woke up.

"You were talking in your sleep." Jennifer informed me. "Something about Bob the Builder and being insane."

I lied again, saying, "I don't really remember my dream."

This dismayed Jennifer quite a bit. "BITCH!" she roared at me.

"Sorry," I said.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! I NEVER WANT YOU SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"I said 'sorry'!" I exclaimed, leaving the room.

"THIS TIME 'SORRY' AIN'T GONNA CUT IT!"

I went downstairs for breakfast. Neddy was sitting in my usual spot, eating my pancakes. I dived at him from across the table, attempting to strangle him. He called out in surprise, but his exclamation died, not unlike him. His fell, limp, face first into his half-eaten pancakes. I laughed with malicious pleasure, threw back my head and howled like a wolf on a full moon.

"Good morning." Neddy said, jerking me out of my fantasy. He sure was enjoying those pancakes. MY pancakes. I grinned, remembering the sight of him sitting with his face in the stack of sticky hotcakes. "What you smirking for?" he questioned me suspiciously.

"Nothing." I fibbed quickly.

He notified me, "I don't believe you."

"Good, 'cause I was…um…being 'economical' with the truth."

"You mean lying?"

"Yes. Why are you eating MY pancakes? Those are MY pancakes!"

He shoved a forkful into his mouth. "I don't see your name on them." He retorted, mouth full.

"It's right there!"

"…"

"What are you doing here anyways?"

Neddy looked at me funny. This is not unusual. "I spent the night, remember?" I shuddered, realizing the double meaning of his words. "What?" He is so clueless.

"'SPENT THE NIGHT'?" Rick said from the kitchen, trying to be obvious without explaining.

"I still don't get it."

Jennifer stated the obvious. "You are stupid."

"Duh." Neddy responded.

"Where did you come from?" I wanted to know.

Jennifer shook her head sadly. "If you don't know…"

"I know where you CAME FROM; what I ment was 'when did you get here?'"

"Then why didn't you just say that?"

"I thought you never wanted to see me again."

"I got hungry."

We ate breakfast with the family. All through the meal Jennifer kept saying things to her imaginary British friend "Lacy" like, "That's rot," "you wanker," and "snog me, you fool," with an accent. Then Neddy got a phone call from his mother saying he had to get home to pack. I nearly cried with delight.

"You need to go? Now?" I uttered with ecstasy.

"Yeah,"

I gave him a big hug. "That's for your mom," I explained. He looked rather pleased with himself for some reason. Then I realized what I had done. I ran upstairs to take a shower and burn my clothes.

I headed downstairs with a towel on my head, whistling "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" to myself. Then I noticed someone working at the computer. "Who are you?"

"I am your conscience, Cara,"

"Oh. What are you doing?"

My conscience's eyes darted back to the screen. "I'm playing Hearts."

"Oh." I said again. "Well, have fun. I'm going upstairs to change." I selected a pair clean blue jeans from my dresser. I pulled on my bright pink Lion King socks, and snatched a T-shirt from a drawer of my dresser. I put it on. It was backwards. I shrugged and went back down stairs.

Mom and Rose and Jennifer were all knitting in a row on the couch. I didn't really understand why you would want to knit. Unlike Jean I've never been good at that homey stuff like knitting and cooking and counted cross-stitch. "Your shirt's on backwards," Mom informed me.

"I know."

Rose looked up from her work. "Your shirt is on backwards." I was told.

"I know,"

Jennifer looked at me. "You shirt's—"

"I KNOW." I interrupted her. Because…I knew, you know? And I was getting kinda pissed, don'tcha know.

"DON'T YOU INTTERUPT ME, YOUNG LADY." Jennifer shouted. She shouts a lot.

"I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT IT'S A FREE COUNTRY!" I shouted back. Then again, so do I. Shout a lot, I mean.

Mom looked at us disapprovingly. "Inside voices, girls, please."

"I HAVE NO INSIDE VOICE!" I said with my outside voice.

"Then go outside."

"I WILL THEN!" I stomped angrily over to what we called our "Artic Entry". Dorky, yes, I know. Mom called it that when we moved in and it stuck. She even tried to call battered-up gray Suburban the "Tundra Mobile", but nothing doing. I put on all my gear and stomped outside. I stomped over to Annette's house. I knocked on the frozen door that sat under the sign that said, "THE HARLEY'S". Annette opened the frozen door. "Hi." She greeted me.

"Hi."

"What's the matter?"

"NOTHING! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I stomped away. I was mad, and she was making it worse! HOW DARE she! And I thought she was my friend…apparently I was wrong. Fuming, I punched a clown that was washing his tiny little car by the Aurora Inn.

"What was that for?" It demanded.

"Go scare an innocent child!" I retorted, not answering its question. I walked around the block. Again. And again. And again. Finally, getting tired of the pointless wandering, I decided to go to the ice rink. I went into the shed there and pulled on a pair of ice skates. Too small. I tried another pair. Again, too small. I have enormous feet. If I laid on my back and held them out in front of me, they could block out the sun. Finally, I found a pair that looked like a hand-me-down from Goliath. I laced them up and stepped onto the ice. I sort of skated forward (I don't know how to skate that well) and looked around. Some teenage boys were playing with a cat that looked like it was high on catnip. A couple of sixth-graders were trying to get their attention and giggling madly, frantically trying to catch their breath and look attractive at the same time. They only pulled off looking drunk. I scooted forward, legs rigid and teeth chattering from the cold. Did I mention I get cold easy?

"That's no way to skate." Said someone behind me.

"Wha!" I tried to turn around and stay upright at the same time, failed, and fell backwards. I could see the clouds above me. I stared at them until my view was obstructed by face of the person who had surprised me so. It was either Mike or Johnny Wong. "Johnny?" I guessed.

"Mike," he told me.

I did my best to get to my feet as his eyes followed my every movement, drilling into me like he had x-ray vision. He's always watching me. I am so serious. Like I'm the only person on the planet. It's kind of annoying. Sometimes I want to stomp on his foot. Him and his stupid twin. "What are you doing here?" I looked at his feet. He wasn't wearing skates.

"I'm with them," he nodded at the group of boys, which were now holding the poor cat up on its hind legs and making it rap.

"Where are your ice skates?" I interrogated him.

He simply answered, "I don't skate."

"As you can see, neither do I."

"Are you running next year?" He asked. I run cross-country. So does he. He likes me, I think. Though I think he's somewhat of a stud among the junior-highers. Sad? Why, yes, yes it is. He has really bad acne. And even without the pimples, he'd still be butt ugly. And I've seen him with his shirt off. Three words: JOIN A GYM. He's kinda…well…scrawny.

"Yes." I glanced at his friends. They were making the cat brake dance. "That's horrible," I said, feeling his dark brown eyes dig into me.

"What?" he wanted to know, still looking at me with no expression whatsoever. I pointed.

"Whose cat is that?"

He shrugged. "Stray."

I shook my head. "It's still horrible." I chanced a step, or ratherglide, forward. I immediately fell on my face.

"Watch it!" he said, pulling me to my feet. He was obviously trying to win my heart. Wasn't gonna work on me, no sir.

I said, somewhat grudgingly, "Thanks,"

"Mm-hm." He said in acknowledgement.

_I've got to get out of here. I don't think I can stand this any longer,_ I thought, my heart racing. He was making me feel very uncomfortable. Besides, our hands had touched. I didn't like his rough hands and I didn't like his staring and I didn't like his friends, who were now watching us. I towered over him in my skates. His zits shone with grease in the sunlight.

"Look, I gotta go," I said, making my way haphazardly toward the door out of the rink. He tried to help me by taking my arm, but jerked it away. "I'm fine," I said in a breezy tone, betraying my thudding heart. That was the second time we'd touched…

I don't like him, by the way. In fact, I hate his guts.

I plopped down on the snow (very un-daintily and un-ladylike) and started unlacing my ice skates, replacing them with snow-boots. He watched me. He's ALWAYS watching. And he only likes me cause I'm skinny. His brother Johnny is always competing with me. Which is very aggravating at times. "So what about you?" I inquired, anything to keep him under control. "Are you going to be in high school next year?"

"Yeah," was all he said. So much for keeping him talking.

"I'll be a sophomore," I stated, trying to make the point that he was younger than me. But only by maybe a year, if not that, I realized. "What year were you born?" I blurted out what I had been wondering.

"1991. Why?"

I replied truthfully, "Just wondering," because I was, you know.

Wow, I actually told the truth for once. "Well, nice talking to you." So much for truthfulness.

I walked away, feeling his eyes still beating on my back. If he was born in 1991 and this was almost 2005…then he must be 13, just a year younger than me! That was creepy. I shuddered. But he didn't know I was 14…he must think I was 15…I was going to be, next November. This was December. I was yet to have my birthday. _I hope he asks me out_, I found myself thinking, _then I would say "no," in a disgusted voice and offend him._ I smiled to myself and started to sing.

**Tee hee more about Mike in Chapter 4. Thanks for reading! Oh and next chapter Ron becomes Ronda!**

"**Flames are welcome to cook my lunch." –Crystal Soul**


	3. The plot deepens…well, there really wasn...

**Chapter 3**

"The plot deepens…well, there really wasn't one to begin with, but…"

**Another Quick Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any other muggle fantasy stuff. Or Xmas carols. Or a clean pair of socks. wanders off the look for some dives back at computer to write more I'll walk on the wild side. I'll go barefoot!**

JENNIFER'S POINT OF VIEW

"HARK THE HAROLD ANGELS SIIIIIIIIING…GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KIIIIIIING…" my stupid, loud, annoying little sister Cara sang. Loudly. And badly. And annoyingly…um…loud.

"SHUT UP!" I SCREAMED at her.

"PEACE ON EARTH AND MERCY MIIIIIIILD…GOD AND SAVIOR RECONCIIIIIIIIDLED…"

"SHUT UP!"

"HARK! YE MERRY HOSTS PROCLAAAAAIM…CHRIST WAS BORN IN BETHLEHEM…"

"SHUT YOUR STUPID FAT MOUTH YOU LOUTHESOME LOUSE!"

Cara switched songs. "HEY BOYS HEY GIRLS HEY ANYBODY WHO WILL LISTEN YOU ME…"

I yelled in agony as I realized what she was singing: "Me vs. the World" by Halo Friendlies from the _Freaky Friday _soundtrack.

"IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOITICED, IT'S JUST ME AGAINST THE WORLD TODAY…"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" The song had been tainted by Cara's ghastly, horrific vocal cords, her screeches and screams still ringing in my ears.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE LET STAY IN BED; I'VE GOT THIS POUNDING IN MY HEAD…"

"You're gonna have a pounding in more than your head…" I muttered. I furtively snuck the duct tape behind my back. Cara sang (if you could call it that) on.

"NO, NOTHING'S OKAY, WON'T YOU STAY OUT OF MMMFFFFHHH…" Duct tape securely fastened over her month, my permeated sister could no longer continue her torture of me. Cruel, you say? I was simply exercising my authority over her as the older, therefore better, sibling.

BACK TO CARA'S POV 

_Trudging towards Lindie's house, face still stinging for the removal of duct tape from her face, Cara the lonely warrior hummed a tune to her self_, and sneezed, followed immediately by a cough.

I tried another one. _Cara the innocent victim of her sister's cruel bullying thought sinful thoughts about Jennifer the mistress of all evil, most of them involving an avocado pit, a mob boss, a bounty hunter, and a maple tree_.

(A/N Just to limit confusion, Cara is thinking this to herself. She's throwing a pity party and everyone's invited. Thank you to Rick for giving me this idea. hugs Rick vomits)

I had left Jennifer the Bully and Countess of All Hazing behind because I was mad at her for putting duct tape over my mouth. Which REALLY hurts to get off, by the way. I mean, seriously. Have you ever had duct tape over you mouth? Have you ever had it jerked off really fast by your mom when you went to her to tell on your sis for making you have tape on your face? Because, FYI, it REALLY,

REALLY,

REALLY,

REALLY,

REALLY hurts.

I hooked Gussie up on her leash, which was frozen stiff. Gussie was wagging her tail as if it was 30 degrees, but it was really twenty below. I walked around; picked up Nikki, walked around more, and brought Gussie back, walked Nikki home, and proceeded to my own home. I collapsed on the futon and groaned loudly. "I am soooo tired!" I exclaimed. Silence. _That's strange_, I thought to myself.

You have nooo idea how rare quiet is in my house. There are six kids in all, including me.

I looked around, saying things like, "Jennifer? Rick? Jim! Rose? Mom, Dad, where are you? Samson? Hello?" It was kind of tedious. I started to sing, hoping to hear the familiar "SHUT UP!" from several people.

"And the base keeps runnin-runnin and runnin-runnin and runnin-runnin and runnin-runnin and…IN THIS CONTEXT, THERE'S NO DISRESPECT, SO WHEN I BUST AROUND, YOU BREAK YOUR NECK…" But no response came.

Shrugging, I continued, starting to dance. "FROM ALL INTALECT AND DISCONNECT…" I threw myself down on the floor and did the Worm. "THE RIPPLE AFFECT…" I popped up and started bouncing and rocking on my feet. "LET'S GET IT STARTED! HA! LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE, LET'S GET IS STARTED! HA! LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE…"

I love that song. After being downright annoying for about five minutes, I walked around the house once more. "LOSE CONTROL, OUR BODY AN SOUL…" I did my pimpin' walk "DON'T JUMP AHEAD, I'LL WALK YA THROUGH IT…"

Finally I found a note. _Gone to the store_, it said.

"Thank you," I said back.

_All in a day's work_ said the note. It crumpled itself up and threw itself away.

"Again, thank you," I thanked it again. I checked the calendar. Both Nick and Jenna were working. "Sweet," I told myself, even though I already knew it was. I dug a half-gallon of ice cream out of the freezer, grabbed a spoon, and flopped down on the couch. I got up. I walked over the computer desk. I took the remote from it. I flopped back down. I turned the TV on. I watched _The Nanny_, Vh1's "Bling-off" between Usher and Brittany Spears, and the first half of _America's Funniest Home Videos_ before I decided I had to stop eating ice cream. I put it away and just watched TV.

HARRY POTTER FANTASY

Suddenly, Harry, Ron, and Hermionie materialized in the room in front of me. They pulled out their wands, and I produced the spoon with which I had been using to eat ice cream. They all shouted a spell at once. Ron said, "Wingaurdium Leviosa!" and at the same time Hermionie cried with a flourish, "Stupify!" and Harry looked at his wand as though wondering which bit to press.

I quickly though of an incantation that would show them before their spells hit me. "Ruffles puffles!" I yelled, and waved my spoon franticly.

Ron looked at me weird and went, "'Ruffles…puffles'?" I nodded. "Wot is that supposed to—" but he stopped as he noticed his voice was get higher. "My voice!" he cried, sounding like he did before puberty. When he said, "Wot's happening?" he sounded downright girlish. Two all too familiar lumps were appearing in the front of his robes. His hair was growing at an alarming rate. Ron dashed over to a mirror and peered at his reflection. A high-pitched scream filled the still air. "I look like Ginny!"

"You did before, you dope."

Ronda started to cry, in loud, wet, blubbering sobs.

"Oh…Ronda…don't cry…"

Ronda cried harder.

Hermionie slapped her. "Oh my gosh!" Ronda had thought of something. Her hand disappeared into the front of her pants. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It's gone! SPIKE! NO! HE'S GONE FOREVER!"

Hermionie wrinkled her nose. "You call you penis 'spike'?"

"Maybe," said Ronda quickly, removing her hand from her "Spike"-less pants. "Wot's it to ya?"

Harry remembered how to work his wand. He shouted a spell, "Harry Potter!" and began running in small circles when singing the national anthem.

Ronda removed her (his? its?) pants and set them on fire, chanting, "Burn the truth! Burn the truth!"

With a wave of her wand, Hermionie shaved Crookshanks bald.

With a slight POP Dobby appeared. "Shall I lick your boots Mr. Harry Potter, sir? Maybe I can pluck your armpit hair for the sir and ladies. Excuse me, I don't believe we've met." He bowed in the direction of Ronda and I. Ronda kicked him. He flew out of the window, breaking it.

Harry's eyes snapped all-the-way open. He walked robotically towards me as though under a spell of some sort. (gives cough that sounds unmistakably like "Imperius Curse" and clears throat) Ahem. Excuse me.

Anyhew…

Harry Pulled the hair band out of my hair and my hair fell like hair falls when you pull the hair band out: all poofy and hair-like, like hair after you pull off your sweater real fast and your hairdo gets all messed up and your hair's a static-y and bad and frizzy and poofy and well, that was what is was like. Hair-wise, that is. And then Harry started to French me.

I kicked him, HARD, where the sun just don't shine.

"See, Ronda? Having balls can be a bad thing."

She sobbed once, hiccupped, and sniffled, "I miss SPIKE."

I spanked her. (Him?) "FUR-REAK." I told her. "THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. A FREAK."

S/he dissolved in my hands.

END FANTASY

END CHAPTER

MORE FANTASIES TO COME

STAY TUNED

**Next chapter coming soon. The next one has no HP but it does have a Hitchhiker fantasy and Flashback to Halloween…go ahead and flame me if you want. I don't really care. Even if I told you not to, you still would anyways, right?**


	4. Reality bends, then breaks from being be...

**Chapter 4**

"Reality bends, then breaks from being bent so much."

**Quick Disclaimer: Okay…let's see…I don't own Douglas Adam's _Hitchhiker_ series. Well actually, I do own a copy of _The Restaurant at the End of the Universe_ and _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, but what I mean is I didn't write it. Also, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters, though I haven't decided if I'm going to add them, so yeah. And also I didn't write any Christmas carols and I didn't come up with _Star Wars_. Thank you!**

Mike Wong put his arm around me. "Ew." I said, removing for him. He probably didn't use deodorant. "You smell bad." I told him. He shrugged and pulled out a cell phone. He began text messaging. I grabbed the phone and threw it.

"Hey!" he said. "That thing cost me four hundred bucks!"

I looked at him. "Then WHY did you throw it just now?"

"I didn't! That was you."

I shook my head.

"It was."

"Was not. I saw you!"

"Whatever."

"Go find my phone!" I ordered him.

"What!"

"My PHONE. My CELL phone. The one you just THREW into those bushes."

"THAT WAS YOU!"

"You BETTER go find it. That thing cost me four hundred dolla."

"Are you FLIRTING with me?"

"Maybe."

"You are!"

"Who said I was?"

"I did! Just now!"

"You lie."

"I'm not lying!"

"Whatever."

He put his arm around me again. I bit it off.

I woke up. What a strange dream…

I fell back asleep.

I dreamt that Joe Header was standing in front of me and I kept walking into him over and over again.

"What's your rank?" I asked him, while running into him again.

"Private."

"HA! I'm a Private First Class!"

"That's nice. Why do you keep running into me like that?"

In my dream, I said, "Too much sexual tension. Need to relieve it."

He grinned and went, "It's not working for me."

At that point I stopped. I pondered that this was not a very "Joe" thing to say. I went over to him again and pulled his hair, expecting it to come off. "Ow." Joe said, stepping on my foot.

"Ow." I replied in annoyance and pulled his hair harder. He straightened up and I lost my grip. Whenever he's around me I feel small and short, because he is big and tall. He I also my age, I think. He's a freshman just like me. I don't know. He might be fifteen. I kicked his shins, but not too hard because I didn't want to injure the poor guy. He said, "Hey," but didn't hurt me back, which I though was kind of sweet.

Jennifer walked in and turned on the fan. I unplugged it, took it and beat her to death with it.

(A/N: Inside joke. Don't ask.)

The fan was still going, so my eyeballs shriveled up and fell out of my head. Joe picked them up and ate them. I kicked him in the chest, which was level with my head. (I can kick pretty high.) So anyways, I missed and fell over and had a seizure and he picked me up with ease and handed me to Fred Connor, who spun me around until I threw up. Then Randy Lee came over and called me "dude" a bunch of times, which only made me throw up more. "That's MONEY!" he was saying proudly as I woke up from that dream.

I opened my eyes and removed my virtual reality helmet. Ha just kidding about the helmet. We have virtual reality goggles.

I stretched and yawned and got out of bed. I got dressed and began my prayers to the statue of the Great Strawberry God. Outside I heard sounds of a dinosaur chomping down on our Abnormally Large Strawberry Tree with A. L. S. (Abnormally Large Strawberries.) I was getting annoyed so I run out and sneezed on it, which is the only way to kill it. They have no immune systems whatsoever.

I finished my prayers and went downstairs for breakfast.

I ate breakfast.

FLASHBACK

_I am sitting in a chair. With me are Rachelle, Annette, Nikki, and Jennifer. We are at the Youth Court Halloween Dance. Jennifer and I are in Youth Court. We haven't taken our bar exams yet. Randy Lee walks by. He is wearing and orange shirt that says in black writing, "THIS IS MY COSTUME." I yell after him, "Nice costume, Randy!" _

"_Thanks," he says gruffly. He looks funny because his shirt is too short and fat for him. The hem floats about his waist, air is weaving in and out of the space between the hem of his shirt and the waist of he pants._

_Later…_

_I am dancing. We are all dancing. The beat of the music thuds right on cue with my beating heart. I love to dance. _

_I notice one of the Wong boys is standing on the deejay's platform with his sister and her boyfriend. He is staring at me. I look quickly away. After a little while, Rachelle notices. She looks over at him, then at me. She gets my attention and nods at him. "I know," I say. She does not hear me. She taps me on the shoulder and points. "I know!" I say again, louder this time, not looking at him._

END FLASH BACK

I though a little bit about this, then closed my eyes and imagined how the second occasion could have changed.

_I am dancing. We are all dancing. The beat of the music thuds right on cue with my beating heart. I love to party! And that's just what I'm doing. _

_I notice one of the Wong boys is standing on the deejay's platform with his sister and her boyfriend. He is staring at me. I stare right back, discontinuing my dancing. After a little while, Rebecca and the others notice. They stop dancing too. They look over at him, then at me. Slowly, ever so slowly, I raise my right hand, the back of it facing him. I curl my fingers back towards me. _

_All but one. _

_I smirk at him, withdraw the rude sign quickly and resume my dancing. Rachelle gets my attention and nods at him. I look over. He is standing in stunned silence. I laugh loudly and visibly._

I smiled to myself and wished that I was not a spineless person so that I could actually do that.

Arthur Dent walked through the open door. "Why do we always leave that door open?" my mom asked nobody in particular.

"Because we're all a bunch of idiots," nobody in particular answered.

"Hello." Said Arthur Dent. "Where do you keep the tea?"

We all pointed at the cupboard were we kept the tea. Arthur ran over to it, and emptied it into his arms. He ran outside. I ran after him. I ran outside, running as fast as I could run. I saw the spaceship Heart of Gold parked on the basketball court. I ran towards it, running out of the fence and ran over to it, running as fast as I could run, which was pretty fast because I am on the cross-country team. Sort of, well…I'll get back to that later.

"Arthur!" I yelled after him. "WAIT! Take me with you!"

He didn't hear me. He went aboard the ship and left. I cussed him out and shook my fist at the spaceship speeding quickly away, but with no avail. I sadly trudged back inside. "When am I ever gonna get off this stinking planet?" I asked myself impatiently.

"In good time, my young apprentice," Mobi-won assured me.

"Yeah, whatever," I said dejectedly, storming up the stairs to sulk.

What I found there was completely insane.

I had never seen such a thing before. I would tell you what it was, but THEY made me swear not the say. THEY know everything. THEY see all things. THEY know when you are sleeping, THEY know when you're awake, THEY know if you've been bad or good, so be good—wait. Um…

END CHAPTER

**okay I know this is kind of short but hey it's funny, right? Maybe I should've taken the HP bit out the disclaimer…oh well. Hope you liked! Oh and if you want to flame me please go right ahead, I'm bored anyways and could use a laugh. That is so mean…I can't believe I wrote it. Sorry if I insulted you, but if you were gonna flame me you were going to insult me anyways right?**


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